In 2002 I wrote an article on the Bike Scene as it then applied to the UK. It was published in a magazine and I repeat it here. Make of it what you will. NOTE: The prices are as of 11 years ago.
FIDDLING WITHOUT STRINGS
15/4/02
During a break from pondering metaphorical rectilinear radicals (joke) my thoughts wandered to the great fiddle perpetrated upon us by those frightful progeny of used car dealers - the bike accessory shops.
Wander around any of these emporiums and you will step back in cataleptic confusion at the plethora of biker clothing displayed before your very’s - all with more hanging tags than Michael Palin''s suitcase - and the names on the tags read like remote Italian villages: Hipora, Cordura, Vypura, Nespola. You may also see such names as: Power Skin, Drop Liner Membrane, Turbo Boot hanging from clothes that are always ‘Specially Designed’ and ‘Heavy Duty’.
Such gobbledegook means very little to the average biker and reading the blurb on the tag will elicit nothing but further confusion. One I saw proclaimed: ‘Mild lustre specially designed air textured loop makes it nature’ which conveys about as much useful information as a lookout at Pearl Harbour. What is needed (and what you won’t see) is a prominent chart showing the comparative merits of such names.
Most bike shops are usually of the pile ‘em high flog ‘em at the highest price (minus one pence)variety with pre-programmed assistants ever ready to direct you to that which generates the most profit. In my experience these assistants are little more than barcode-gun toters possessing a minimal knowledge of the products they sell. Some have very odd notions: All bike boots are unisex I was reliably informed by one such salesman.
With very few exceptions the bike publications tests don’t help much either and some of their tests are hilarious.(all exclamation marks are mine and indicate: How much? You must be bloody joking!) Here’s one from a certain popular weekly publication (yes that one) testing a £259.99(!) pair of biker jeans:‘I got caught in a storm but the colour didn't run...they aren’t too cold either’ Personally, I would expect the colour not to run if I’d just forfeited a holiday in Spain on a pair of jeans. And were they warm or cold or what? We were not told.
Another tester said he wasn’t sure about the quality of the armour in a jacket he bought for £109.99: ‘It’s pretty flimsy stuff...I wouldn’t like to take a tumble in it...you can use it (the jacket) throughout winter providing you’re not in any heavy downpours...it’s showerproof rather than waterproof’ And how does he rate this load of hen-poo? 90%!
And here’s a test on a pair of boots: ‘A soft supple feel to the leather gives you a clue that these are going to be easy on your feet over a distance.’ (cheapo thin leather that’s going to be no use whatsoever if you drop the plot).
One tester had a pair of boots costing £149.99 and fitted with something called Torsional Control: ‘They leaked water...a screw fell out of the toeslider...a hint of rain and I get wet feet... the colour ran in the rain... (hey, stop laughing) the joints bind and make an awful noise when you walk...one joint seizes and I have to fiddle to free it or stalk about like Quasimodo...the makers recommend a squirt of WD40’ (please stop laughing - this is serious) He rated this load of old cobblers at 75%. God knows what they would be like paddling through Lake Urine at a bike rally.
In a review of 20 gloves a certain publication rated them from 70% to 96% and not once did they suggest any were crap. They use phrases like ‘A well-padded feel suggests these cordura and leather gloves will be warm’...’designed as an all-season glove the only thing this one lacks for deep winter use is thermal insulation’ And £69.99(!) gets you a pair of gloves with: ‘A little insulation’ At shows there are usually a few large baskets crammed to the gunwales with gloves and sometimes bargains can be found if you’re lucky. I once got an excellent £49.99 pair of Belstaff gloves for £15. But beware - there’s a LOT of crap lurking about.
Don’t despair though ‘cos you can have a pair of BKS GP2000 gloves for £345(!) You heard - £345 But then: ‘Each pair is painstakingly hand-made using only the finest goat and calfskin with kevlar stitching. Rubber pads give impact and abrasion resistance and there are generous wrist and cuff fasteners’. Nothing about bad-weather protection there then, or the free hire of a Honda Fireblade that such a price warrants. ‘They are due at the NEC...but be prepared for a waiting list’. I wonder what the backhander was for printing such bullshit.
But wait - maybe the people in the glove queue are the same people who buy a new Yamaha R1 for around six grand, throw away the unused swingarm and replace it with a carbon one costing £1830(!) because it ‘reduces the unsprung weight by 3.9 lbs’. Oh, I nearly forgot, you will need a rotary steering damper too - a positive bagatelle at £420(!) all credit cards accepted.
My catalogue has 48 different helmets varying in price from £37.99 to £449.99(!) Most are decorated like a circus caravan and all have air vents impossible to operate while wearing bike gloves. Some are polycarbonate and others are thermoplastic or fibre composite with no indication of which is best. Nor does it explain the silver and gold badge marks nor why prices vary so much.(Incidentally there is no incentive to replace old lids for new: every 2 years for silver 6 for gold as is recommended. There should be a thriving part exchange scheme for such compulsory items) And how do they justify nearly £30 for a clear visor? They must be stamping ‘em out by the thousands.
These biking emporiums seem to be able to reduce prices by quite staggering amounts eg: £50 off £149.99 boots, £30 off £99.99 gloves, £60 off £100 topboxes, £90 off £179.99 Belstaff jackets, £500 off £1299.99(!) leather suits etc.
It’s a dishonest business and proves what we already know - that the original prices are a blatant rip-off. Especially as most of the stuff is made on the cheap in ex-communist Europe or the far-east.
But honesty has gone down the pan anyway when popular weekly bike publications (yes that one again) tests thirteen after-market cans of which only one was road legal and accepts dodgy ads like:’RACE CAN? IS IT WEARING THE CORRECT LEGAL STICKER? - it could be for £5.00’ and: ‘From the Original Visor Supplier...’ then in extremely minuscule print: ‘these products are not BS approved and not intended for use on public highways.’ Oh yeah?
If you ride a modern bike you may able to get bits for it from these shops otherwise you might as well forget it. A stores assistant at a branch of Britain’s Biggest Bike Shop turned into a slack-jawed yokel when I asked for rim tapes for my classic. They had no battery acid either: ‘It’s not needed,’ said he. I hesitated to ask for Swarfega in case he thought it was a foreign football team.
The cost of spares and servicing is horrendous. Here’s a recent costing for a Ducati monster S4: New clutch plates

recommended every 6000 miles!)£95 for parts and £70 for labour... a Minor 4000 mile service £376, a 12000 mile Major £553 a pair of brake pads £70... a Set of head bearings £70... Two sparkplugs £23 All these prices merit a(!)
The retailers of bike bits from tyres to tank bags, from nuts to neck warmers are taking all they can get and giving sod all back to bikers.
Shows like the NEC are a rip-off and as trashy experiences go are easily on a par with staring into a wheely bin full of smelly nappies. If you go by car (‘coz you’ve got the wife and kids) you pay £5 to park it then trudge for half a day to the entrance where you cough up the £12(!) for each adult plus the kids entrance fee to shoulder your way through willynillying crowds to join a queue to sit on a new bike for all of ten seconds.
Hungry? The available food is of the ‘eat it now taste it later’ kind with a greasy burger and chips costing £4.50(!) and a one tea-bag cuppa costing £1(!) And after you’ve queued for this Baronial Fayre you have to sit on the floor to eat it with a plastic fork because of lack of space! But hey, we’re only bikers. What do you expect?
The biking world is about as honest as a teenager on an internet dating line and we fall for it year after year. There should be a warning sign on the back of every bikers head:
“QUALIFIED PERSONNEL ONLY
NO USER-SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE”
(EXCEPT WHERE MOTORCYCLES ARE CONCERNED)